by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Fuego.

You know those people who in very few words can ignite a spark šŸ’„ within you?  I met with one of those people recently.  A woman that I highly respect and appreciate.  She tells it to me like it is, laid out as fact, but with a tone that is sincere and caring, not accusatory and demeaning.  The distinction in her delivery is important.  Great leaders cater the message for the recipient to feel in a positive way.

With all this COVID shit going on, Iā€™ve been feeling a lot of different emotions.  Iā€™ve been trying to be patient with these emotions, because Iā€™m not sure if Iā€™m feeling them just because COVID has disrupted my ā€œnormalā€ life or if they are indicators that itā€™s time for a change. 

I think itā€™s both.

If you remember from this post, there are underlying themes to our emotions.  The underlying theme for happiness is making reasonable progress toward the attainment of a goal.  In the Trust Factor, Zak talks about ā€œchallenge stressā€.  The moderate stress of being challenged to reach an attainable goal releases neurochemicals, including oxytocin and adrenocorticotropin.

Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the ā€œlove hormoneā€ or ā€œcuddle hormoneā€ because it is released when socially bonding.  This is how trust is created in relationships, personally or professionally.  Adrenocorticotropin is produced in response to biological stress and intensifies your focus.

I live in a constant state of improvement.  I want to leave this world knowing that I lived my best life, and I make the conscience effort to better myself everyday in order to achieve this.  (Some days are better than others, letā€™s be real.)  In my posts about Insecurity and Emotion, I talk about celebrating small wins.  Not every day am I out slaying large goals, and I need the reminder that there are small successes.  Turns out, celebrating small wins can make all the difference in how you feel and perform.  Itā€™s called the Progress Principle.

Of all the things that can boost inner work life, the most important is making progress in meaningful work.

Teresa Amabile and Steven J. Kramer

Personally, I thrive on being challenged.  I like work.  Bottom line.  If Iā€™m not working hard toward something, Iā€™m not as happy as when I am.  And currently, Iā€™m not feeling challenged.  What I struggle with as an employee and as an entrepreneur:

  • As an employee, my challenges are typically set forth by someone else.  Although I somewhat operate in an ā€œask for forgivenessā€ fashion, there are still limitations and boundaries that have to be respected within the workplace.
  • As an entrepreneur, it feels like Iā€™m wandering through the forest without a map or compass.  I take small strides forward because I donā€™t know how the hell to get where I want to go.

But each of these are challenges within their own right that must first be overcome.

What my mentor/friend said to light a spark beneath me was this:

Step up!  Your capability and awareness is greater than the environment that youā€™re in.

Sometimes, it takes someone else to point out what youā€™ve ā€œknownā€ all along.  Now, itā€™s time to reflect and come up with a strategic plan. What that may look like, I dunno yet. Maybe it’s an emotional renewal. Maybe it’s a side hustle breakthrough. Either way, it’s going to bring šŸ”„!

by : lacylit10 Leadership

Avoidance.

We all value the importance of communication, but so many people avoid conversations that make them feel uncomfortable ā€“ which doesnā€™t solve anything.  It actually makes everything worse.  Iā€™m not going to go into examples here.  We all know how it feels when we donā€™t feel as though weā€™re being listened to.

I tried to have one of these uncomfortable conversations with someone. I told him what I wanted to talk about, and we agreed to have the conversation at a later time when we would both be prepared to do so.  But that later discussion never happened.  This person invited me to have a seat at the table, then never let me pull up a chair.

That is such. poor. leadership.

Good leadership doesnā€™t turn off when you walk out of the office doors.  People who embrace leadership, live and breathe it in all aspects of their lives.  It becomes part of who they are.

I had two choices in this scenario:

  1. Push the issue.Ā Ā I could have sought him out and demanded to be heard.
  2. Let it go.Ā Ā I could accept that if he didnā€™t even want to hear me out, then it’s likely he wasnā€™t going toĀ listenĀ even if he did.

You probably know which choice I made.  Actually, you probably donā€™t.  This could really go either way. šŸ˜‚

Hereā€™s what I figuredā€¦

This person deliberately avoided this conversation and red flags came out:

šŸš© He did not care enough about my discomfort (to set aside his own discomfort) 
šŸš© He did not value my opinion or perspective (because he refused to hear it)
šŸš© He did not respect me as an equal (by not giving me the opportunity to speak)

While I stewed over this for several days, I eventually let it go.  (I mean, thatā€™s not entirely true.  It still pisses me off to think about it, but I let it go as far as heā€™s concerned.)  What I realized was that if none of those things applied before the conversation, nothing was going to change after the conversation.

As leaders, we must set aside our natural tendencies for the greater well-being of others.  He didn’t do that for me. And for as much as I wanted to give this guy a piece of my mind, I knew that ultimately it wasn’t going to do any good. Even if I received an empathetic and compassionate response, it wouldn’t have felt genuine. Because really, it wouldn’t have been. His authentic response was one of avoidance.

Remember when I said I’m starting to see more people in an unfavorable light? This is an example of one of those times. I realized this person wasn’t treating me in a way that I deserve, and I adjusted a new boundary accordingly.

We all have the right to be treated the way we want to be treated. That is šŸ’Æ within our power to control. He did what he thought was best for him by avoiding the issue, and I did what was best for me by walking away from it.

While I would like to say an unfortunate and unintended consequence is that our relationship has since taken different shape and suffered because of this, I can’t say I’m all that disappointed. If I’m not going to be cared for, valued, or respected, then I’m not getting much benefit out of the relationship in the first place. And let’s be real, it’s his loss anyway. šŸ˜šŸ’šŸ»ā€ā™€ļø

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Worth.

Normally, when I want something, I go after it to make it happen.Ā Ā The problem is that sometimes you can only go so far until other people play a part in whether or not you can achieve your desired outcome.Ā Ā I can work my ass off to get into a program, but I cannot force the board to choose me.Ā Ā I can put forth the effort in a relationship, but I cannot force the other person to reciprocate.Ā Ā 

At some point, you have to analyze whether or not the things you want are actually worthy of your desire.  Sometimes this means walking away from something that you really want.

I recently made the decision that it would be best for me to walk away from something that I want.Ā Ā Analyzing the situation, what I was receiving was not what I deserve.Ā Ā Therefore, it was not worthy of my desire.Ā Ā 

Although I know the decision I made is best for me, there is still a lot of disappointment in not being able to achieve my desired outcome.Ā Ā Itā€™s frustrating to put the effort into something where it is not recognized or appreciated.Ā Ā It hurts to not be seen by someone (and it is always someone) that you respect and admire, and maybe even love (if itā€™s a relationship).Ā Ā 

But the choice is clear.  I can either stay in this agreement being valued in limited capacity or I can walk away with dignity and faith someone else will see and appreciate my full value.  Even though Iā€™m making the choice to walk away, there are still underlying feelings of rejection.  And rejection hurts, no matter which way I try and spin this.  

We can be blinded by things that we want and ignore signs devaluing our worth.Ā Ā When I recognized signs, I made excuses and gave benefit of the doubt ā€“ which I think is fair, to some extent.Ā Ā But when I noticed repeat patterns, it was then that I knew I needed to make a decision.

The decision comes with loss.Ā Ā Loss of what I had and loss of hope for what it could have been.Ā Ā There will be aĀ grieving process, and thatā€™s okay.Ā Ā It means I took the chance on something of significance.Ā Ā It took courage to try, and it takes self-respect to walk away. These are very strong qualities that need to be identified and embraced in order to avoid a shame storm.

Itā€™s these hard decisions, these tough times, these risks taken, and these lessons learned that will inevitably increase my worth. What I contribute will be rewarding for a person that sees my full value. But more importantly, by not selling myself short, and giving myself the opportunity to be recognized and appreciated for my full value – it will. be. priceless.

by : lacylit10 Farming, Leadership

The Middle.

During my United Fresh Produce Industry Leadership Program (#class24 šŸ’•), we had an incredibly smart, talented, and beautiful lady guiding us.Ā  Her name was Julie, and she was fabulous.Ā  (Still is!)Ā  She had a very polite and kind way of telling you some honest truths.Ā  She was blunt and funny.Ā  She said a lot of memorable things during our time, but the one that keeps coming to my mind in the midst of this coronavirus pandemic is this: ā€œGet the hell out of middle management as fast as you can.ā€ (Her words exactly.)

Middle managers experience compression by those they lead and those who lead them.Ā  Itā€™s a tough place to be.Ā  As we try to operate as an essential business providing food for millions of Americans who are sheltered in their homes, the amount of pressure and responsibility being placed on our societal function and our team has increased tenfold.

When the CDC first released guidance on preventative measures, it wasnā€™t anything we werenā€™t already doing.Ā  Food contact surfaces are routinely cleaned and sanitized, employees frequently wash and sanitize their hands; they are supposed to cough into their elbow, and they are not permitted to come to work sick (among many other good health and hygiene best practices).Ā  But the existing measures we had in place were not enough to protect the health of our employees and the safety of our products, additional measures had/have to be taken.

While our senior leadership is in direct communication with other business executives, regulatory agencies, and trade associations, the role of our middle managers has become even more critical in our day-to-day operations.Ā  The information and guidance we receive changes by the hour.Ā  We are scrambling to keep up, inform our middle managers, train our employees, and enforce many new policies ā€“ on top of an already full workload, and entering our busiest season šŸ„¬.

ā€œMiddle managers have a complicated relationship with power because power is activated and experienced in the context of interpersonal relationships. When interacting with our superiors, we naturally adopt a more deferential low-power behavioral style. When interacting with subordinates, on the other hand, we adopt a more assertive high-power behavioral style. Failure to conform to these role-based expectations can lead to social conflicts and confusion, so people are very good at learning how to play the part that is expected of them.ā€

Erin M. Ancich and Jacob B. Hirsh (HBR)

Research shows that there are cognitive, emotional, and behavioral effects to power.  As middle managers navigate between high power (leading) and low power (being led), it becomes psychologically challenging to engage and disengage from one power level to another, often many times throughout a typical workday.  These conflicting roles cause feelings of stress, anxiety, and tension leading to physical risk factors such as heart disease and hypertension. In a study from Columbia University and University of Toronto, they found that mid-level employees have higher rates of anxiety and depression, adding to the long list of why middle managers are so unhappy.

Humans are inefficient when it comes to switching tasks, and it creates a negative mood spillover as we move from one task to another or one power level to another.Ā  Middle managers are victims and carriers of change as they receive strategy instructions from the top and have to implement those strategies with those who work beneath them.Ā  Weā€™ve had to institute at least 10 new policies over the past 2 weeks in response to this pandemic ā€“ a taxing feat for anyone, let alone already worn down middle managers.

Most people believe that their time in middle management will be short-lived, but reality is that these employees are classified as just “stuck in the middle of everything.” They have an undergraduate degree, but not a graduate degree. They are 5-10 years into their careers, and they’re just good performers (not excellent, but not terrible either). I would also venture to guess these are the people in the midst of raising a family as well. They are considered a “neglected but critical” group.

But the #1 reason middle managers are unhappy is that they are led ineffectively. Again, middle managers stuck in the middle: expected to be good leaders when they’re not being led well.

True colors come out in times of crisis.Ā  As BrenĆ© Brown says, ā€œWe can be our worst selves or our very best, bravest selves.ā€Ā  We have a lot at stake right now, not just in health and economics, but also in business and society.Ā  Strong leadership is essential, always.Ā  We need to choose to be our best, bravest selves. We need to lead as we wish to be led! So, letā€™s lean on each other, support each other, and lift each other up. āœØšŸ’–Ā 

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Expectations.

I had several conversations this week that essentially revolved around expectations.Ā  Each conversation was unique with different circumstances, different personalities, different goals, and different intentions.Ā  So when I said intentions donā€™t matter, I was kind of lying.Ā  But really, it all depends.

  • In one conversation, we were talking about how a specific person has a reputation of over-promising and under-delivering. Ā The consistent under-delivery has now become my expectation.Ā  Whether he cannot produce due to intentional or accidental circumstances, it doesnā€™t matter.Ā  The habit formed has shaped my opinion of him, and I now find him unreliable and untrustworthy.Ā  This will ultimately lead to a dissolution of the relationship, unless he can rebuild his credibility.
  • Another conversation had to do with taking on more responsibility.Ā  I flat out asked, ā€œWhat is your expectation?ā€Ā  I want to clearly understand what is expected of me in order to perform to the best of my ability.Ā  I donā€™t want to become that person who over-promises and under-delivers, because I didnā€™t understand what the expectation was in the first place. Ultimately, yes, miscommunication and misunderstandings happen.Ā  By trying to sort out those details up front, we can hopefully move forward efficiently and productively.
  • The last conversation had to do with someone who led me to believe something that was not actually fact.Ā  I have a feeling that he did not intentionally lead me to believe false information, but that there was a misunderstanding that never got corrected. Ā It has since spiraled into something much larger than anticipated, where itā€™s almost too late to turn back.Ā  But at this point, Iā€™m losing trust in him.Ā  Heā€™s essentially perpetuating the lie by not coming forward with the truth.

I try to be very clear with my expectations. There is an expectation to everything that we do. I like it all laid out up front. I want to know the end goal, and the parameters I have to work within. The more I grow in life and leadership, the more important these expectations have become to me.

Every once in awhile, my dad will ask me to help him with something. He’ll ask me to hold this, then tighten this, then move this, whatever. Then he’ll get frustrated with me, because I’ll inevitably not perform to his expectation. Likely, because with every task I complete, I think I am done helping because that’s all that he asked me to do. But if he had said, “Lacy, can you hold this, while I tighten this, because I want to move this to there…” Clear direction. šŸ™Œ I know exactly what I am in for and what I will be committed to help do. Then we’ll be moving forward with the same expectation, the same goal, ultimately, avoiding an argument.

Sound relatable?

I read a lot of books about management, leadership, and self-development. They essentially all say the same thing: You have to know what you are working toward, individually and collectively, personally and professionally. But it’s also about communication. And that’s a whole different topic, for whole different post, on an entirely different day.

by : lacylit10 Leadership

Conflict Resolution.

There is a man that I respect who is very intelligent but typically has bad delivery. He has these great ideas and points to make, but his thoughts are scattered when he speaks and sometimes just listening to him and/or conversations with him are hard to follow. He recognizes this about himself and even pokes fun at himself for it.

I went to a meeting with him, where he vocalized his opinion and literally got laughed at. In a room full of professional adults, this lady legit lol’d during his commentary. 

After the meeting, he said to me, “I said what needed to be said. I don’t really care if they think I’m an idiot.”

That is having courage.

Because he was right. He said what everyone else was too afraid to say. And can they really judge him when he had the guts to vulnerably admit the problem? No. He took one for the team. Everyone else wanted to dance around the issue. And you know why she laughed? Because he called her out on it.

People are so afraid of conflict that they don’t realize they’re creating more of it by not directly addressing the issue head-on.

While conflict is uncomfortable, it needs to be hashed out. Like this man, I’m typically the one who wants to call people out on their bullshit, so we can find solutions. That’s the only way you will truly move forward.

But people have very emotional responses to conflict. I’m not immune to this either. Criticism, negative feedback – these are tough pills to swallow.

I recently approached someone with a problem I was having. He needed to be made aware of a situation, and I was dreading this conversation. I psyched myself out about it before I approached him. I had a lump in my throat. Pretty sure my hands were shaking. I knew exactly how the conversation was going to go down, and it went down worse than I anticipated. I presented him with facts. I had examples. But he got defensive, made excuses, and then completely shut down.

Now, I work in a masculine industry. Feelings don’t belong in farming, right?

WRONG!

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

Our feelings drive our behavior, our attitude, and our actions. Do you think he responded the way he did, because he was unfazed by the information? No. I struck a nerve.

And how did I respond to the situation? I. Was. Pissed. This was not an easy conversation for me to start, and he completely dismissed what I had to say. And for as much as I’d like to be completely passive-aggressive in our future encounters, my leadership training has taught me to rise above. (Also, I’m slightly resenting all that training in this instance.)

Conflict is necessary for good communication and in good relationships. We can’t just constantly talk about all that’s great in the world. Look how that’s gone down in social media. People only post the best part of their lives, and we are left feeling inadequate. We become disengaged, self-conscious, and unworthy. Do you want to feel that way in your personal and professional lives too?

There’s a great quote that I’ll paraphrase, because I don’t know who said it, but it goes something like: conflict is not the difference between good and bad but between truth and lies.

Yeah, it sucks to be dismissed or laughed at. But plant the seed. (Farm pun not intended but should definitely be recognized.) You will feel better for making the effort and stating your peace. The truth will come out eventually, and the conflict will no longer be avoidable.

The longer the conflict lingers, the worse off you will be. People go into self-preservation mode and facts become fuzzy. Feelings build. Minor issues become major issues.

We are human; we make mistakes. How you handle conflict is a true test of character. In my examples, one man earned some of my respect while the other lost some. So which do you think I’m inclined to build a better relationship with?