by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Silver Linings in the Storm.

It’s been about 8 months since I’ve been here, writing from the heart. My break was not due to lack of content. While it is not unusual for me to be vulnerably honest in my struggles, I didn’t like the tone of what I was creating. I didn’t want it to sound as though I was crying out for help or attention. Because neither of those were the reality. 

The reality is something I had never experienced before. This past year has made me question a lot in my life. The people in it. My purpose. What is fulfilling. 

When I quit my job last year, I had a feeling my life was going to flourish. What I did not expect was for my world to implode. Initially, I did not consider that sometimes you have to tear the house down to its foundation in order to build it back better and stronger, more durable, and with a refreshed aesthetic. 

That’s what this last year has been. A slow, arduous tearing down of what I had created and what I had become. Not that any of it was bad, per se. But I’ve dug deeper than I’ve ever done, and I discovered many new things about myself and my life. You realize that you’ve been operating a certain way for so long, that you didn’t recognize there is a better way to function. 

More than that, I’ve somewhat enjoyed the solitude. Much of the noise has been blocked out, albeit, not by choice. While I would like to say it has allowed me to hear my own voice more loudly and clearly, that’s not really the case. My voice has been clouded by negativity, pessimism, and helplessness. 

As you know, I believe God gives us breadcrumbs, small clues that lead us down certain pathways to our future. Those breadcrumbs have led me down numerous roads with dead ends and detours. My future is seemingly moving forward through a process of elimination. It’s been a lot of disappointment, a lot of rejection, and a lot of insecurity. The journey has been a lot longer than anticipated, and I am tired. 

But I also know the only way out is to keep on going. I will continue to muster up strength, motivation, and confidence, because I do know that good things lie ahead. 

Don’t get me wrong, though, I can see silver linings in this storm. There are people who have stepped up. There have been valuable lessons learned. And more importantly, love has come my way once again.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Testing My Patience … and My Faith.

I believe in God. There are numerous examples I can give where I have seen Him work in my life. But those examples are mostly in answered prayers. Putting my mind to something, and God giving me the strength and ability to achieve it. The only true test I can think of, in my experience, of questioning God, has been in overcoming depression. Years, and years, and years, would go by. Almost daily I would beg for the misery to be over, while simultaneously trusting He had a plan. 

It was about 10 years after my “official” diagnosis, and at least another 10 more from the onset of symptoms. At least 10 full years of not knowing or understanding why I felt a certain way. And another 10 years of knowing and understanding, but not really improving. Twenty years of faith. Twenty years of believing. Twenty years of trusting.

It was a long time. A long time of feeling helpless, but not hopeless.

I’ve been here before. At the mercy of His will. Making slow progress forward.  

It’s hard. Hard to have patience to let things play out as they may. Hard to not try and control the situation, even when I don’t have answers that could possibly change it.

Vulnerable truth be told, I’ve been praying for a closer relationship with Him. I had drifted, and I desired to feel Him working more deeply within me. There were surface-level ways I could see his movement, but I was seeking a gut-level reminder that He is with me. I needed stronger signals guiding me down the right path.

It’s the irony that consistently restores my faith. The creative ways in which He delivers almost never aligns with my naive expectations. 

I believe that God gives us breadcrumbs. Subtle clues that move us forward. But for me, roughly every 10 years, I get hit with something bigger, where I am faced with a life shift. After a significant time of putting my head down and focusing on personal and professional growth, I am somewhat forced to lift my head and look forward to determine, with all of my newly accumulated life experience, which path I want to take next.

And while I am certain that path is already determined, the time of self-reflection given for evaluation is a blessing. 

Everyone has different definitions of what living life to the fullest looks like. I don’t like to spend a lot of time looking back on what could have or should have been. I believe things play out exactly as they are supposed to, so there is no point in wishing it could have been different. Yes, there are decisions I wish I did not make or had made sooner, but I may not have learned the lesson or acquired the wisdom from the experience that contributes to my character, my beliefs, and my values – the core things that make me who I am. And it is those core things that, for me, define my life and how I lived it. It’s not how many countries I’ve traveled to or how much money I have in my bank account; it’s how I have served those around me. 

As a side note: I can think of one specific person who would question how I served them. Who would be the naysayer in my belief about myself. The funny thing is that this person doesn’t really know me at all. And the way I am choosing to serve them is essentially by not acquiescing to their behaviors, actions, and attitudes. Everything they seemingly hate about me is actually the gift I am giving them. Sometimes the lesson that we need to teach others is one they must come to learn on their own. 

But I don’t need to prove myself to anyone. I know, and God knows my journey. And these gut-level life shift times of reflection and evaluation remind me that He is still here. He is still guiding me. He is still working in my life. And through all of the missteps, He still loves me unconditionally. And in my moments of doubt, He still provides.

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by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Finding A Place to Shine.

The last ten to fifteen years have been some of the most influential of my life. I overcame depression, finished an associate’s degree, bachelor’s degree, and master’s degree. I began my career in agriculture, which propelled me into all sorts of things I never expected for my life. At some point, I put my head down and just went with it. While there were definitely moments of reflection and self-discovery, there was never any real pause. Which has been one of the biggest blessings in this time off.

But as you know, I believe contentment is what we should strive for to lead a healthy and fulfilling life. With the good, there is bad.

I am seemingly acutely aware that I am not just in a transitional phase, but on the brink of a pivotal shift in my life. I am coming to terms with certain realities that kept surfacing in which I have consistently tried to ignore and avoid. I have been clear with my expectations, and I have set boundaries. I have given others time to adjust. I feel that this time is giving my mind, body, and soul the rest it needs to muster up the strength and courage to make life-changing decisions. And it’s scary AF.

My homepage talks about belonging. Belonging is being true to ourselves, which is not something I think we ever truly achieve. Perhaps, that is the journey. As long as we continually grow, adapt, and open our minds and our hearts, we will constantly rediscover who we are with new information and new experiences. Being true to ourselves requires regular reflection, attention, and action.

A lot of the unhappiness I experienced over the last couple of years is because my head and my heart were not aligned. I let my head lead the way, and my heart reluctantly followed. As I move forward, I am really trying to move forward with my heart first. However, that direction comes with less. Less security. Less certainty. Less support. And maybe that is the test. The Lord will provide. Right?

Easier said than done though. All of it. Following your heart. Living authentically. Being true to yourself. Believing. Having faith. And maybe I’m just overthinking it all. But doesn’t thinking have to go into it to live intentionally, purposefully, and meaningfully? Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

What I do know is that the decisions that will soon be before me have the potential to change the trajectory of my life, if I am brave enough to follow my heart. Part of me feels like I am putting an undue amount of pressure on myself. But at the same time, I can’t change what I feel or ignore it. And I feel that big things are on the horizon. I will just continue to pray that I know the “right” choices when they are presented.

So much of my identity was based around my career, and my cousin said something very wise about it. She said, “A job doesn’t make you who you are. It just gives you a place to shine.” So here’s 🥂 to learning to shine on my own.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Present, Mindful, and Intentional.

There are six posts sitting in my drafts that I’ve written since my last published post just over a month ago. Meaning: my thoughts are all over the place. Israel is at war. Taylor Swift is in another relationship. Matthew Perry died. Newsom went to China. Britney Spears released her memoir. There was a mass shooting and manhunt in Maine.

What a time to be alive. And I’m only saying that half sarcastically.

Things in my life are moving a bit slower than what appears to be happening in the outside world. While I still have stresses, it’s been quite refreshing to take time off. It feels like everything I’ve learned about myself and about others is settling in. I don’t need so much time to sit back and process things, as I feel like I’m actually living more moment to moment. Which is kind of surreal.

It’s the ultimate, right? To be present and mindful. I can be more intentional about where I exert my energy, because I don’t have a job essentially guaranteed to consume it. But I miss working. I miss the purpose and fulfillment it brings. I miss interacting with others. I miss feeling accomplished each day. And while I do have a few exciting things in the works, I miss the structure and routine of a daily role.

When I quit my job, I said it felt like I was breaking, like the rug was pulled out from beneath me and I fell to the floor. Someone said to me that I was basically being dramatic, and that simply one chapter was closing for another to open.

I actually think both are true.

The job I left was the job I had been working years toward obtaining. The more knowledge I sought, the more experience I gained, the more confident I got, the more eager I became. Through the progression, I was aware that I was fulfilling my potential and I wanted to see where it could take me. But I don’t see leaving as a failure.

We hear of CEO’s quitting their positions and starting something new all the time. They want more time, with their families, for extracurricular activities. They want more flexibility in their schedule, more freedom. But we never see them in the in-between stage. We see them as the CEO; they seemingly disappear, then we see them confidently and excitedly promoting their next venture as an entrepreneur. We don’t see the transition phase of leaving one and starting the other. And I wish we would/could.

This phase is hard. In many ways, you are starting over. On the other hand, in many ways, you are not. You are grieving the life you had planned. You are excited and scared. Uncertain, yet confident. You have to be very intentional with who you lean on for support. You learn who truly cares about you and believes in you, and that comes with a whole other set of emotions when you realize who does not. Who is talk, and who is action.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve written several times about feeling on the verge of big changes. (Mastered. Branding. Precipice. Transformational Change.) This one feels different. I can’t explain it. And I don’t know that I want to. At least, right now. I kinda just want to take it in. I want to feel all of the emotions that are coming with it.

There is so much going on in the outside world, and I am feeling quite grateful that I’m not being consumed by the fast-paced-ness of it all. I think my body is getting some much needed rest to prepare me for what is to come.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

New Beginnings.

I quit my job on Friday. In a move that will seem abrupt to, well, basically everyone, it was a decision that was needed and a rather long time coming. I’m still a little in shock, so I’m turning to the place that always brings me comfort in processing my emotions.

As I anticipate what kind of remarks I will hear when people find out, I think it really comes down to one thing: I listened to what my mind, body, and soul were telling me and acted accordingly. Was it risky? Yeah. Am I scared? Yeah. Do I feel good about it? Eh. I’m not 💯 there yet. But I do know that my head and my heart were not aligned, and it wasn’t going to be a position I (or the company) could thrive in because of that.

Part of me is grieving the future I thought I had figured out. The other part of me feels exhilarated by the limitless possibilities before me.

When I think about the things that truly bring me joy and fulfillment, it wasn’t in the work I was doing. I know a lot of people are going to say, “Work is work.” Then you have others who say, “When you do what you love, you never work a day in your life.” Well, I don’t know who is right, but I’d like to believe the ladder is true.

That position is what I’ve been working toward. It was everything I thought I wanted. Over the last two years, I learned, I want more out of a job and more out of my life. In my gut, I know that I. can. have. it. all. I know it. And now I have more clarity on what I do and do not need to help me achieve everything I want. How cool is that?

A lot of people settle in their roles. They settle for the job, the money, the notoriety, or whatever it may be, and they either knowingly or unknowingly suffer because of it. For the better, I am too self-aware to know when something isn’t right. And with this decision, I proved to myself that I have the courage to make bold moves.

Back in December of 2021, two months after I started the new job, I wrote that I was content with my new role and that I no longer desired to be a writer. I lied. To you and to myself. Here I am, writing, a blog post I started less than 24 hours after I made one of the biggest decisions of my life. This is my happy place.

Leadership is somewhat counterintuitive. People think it is about serving others before serving oneself, but it is actually about knowing yourself and caring for yourself, first, in order to bring your best self to serve others. I had been neglecting myself, and it began to show in more ways than one.

I don’t know what my next move will be. It’s exciting, nerve-racking, a bit stressful, and a bit liberating. But I do believe that God has a plan. I believe that with risk comes reward. I believe that good things come when you follow your heart. And I believe that when things are right, they fall into place. So, while I can admit that I am having a hard time trusting the process, I do believe that this unexpected journey is taking me where I am supposed to go.

What brings me comfort in all of this is that I have been seeking a closer relationship with God. It’s ironic how He works, isn’t it?

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Stay tuned…✨✨

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

The Burdens We Carry.

Research has discovered that COVID, literally, changed the world. No doubt. Although we seem to be out of it, the past few years have been hard. In the beginning, I tried to make the most of it. But seemingly, the hits that shook me just kept coming. When you fundamentally believe in things, and those beliefs are constantly being tested, it leaves you a bit rattled.

Most of my followers here know me personally. You know my beliefs, my values, my interests, my work, and my involvement with the community. Although some of us have different views, you know my intentions are genuinely good. We are friends with mutual respect, and we can agree to disagree. We understand that discussing differences is what broadens our perspectives, and I so appreciate the opportunity to have open, kind, and inquisitive dialogue. Unfortunately, what I see in the world is differences dividing. And it makes me sad that we cannot learn from one another, because we are too close-minded to consider opposing viewpoints as different – not wrong, just different.

The more you understand yourself, the easier it is to understand others. For me, the past few years have been a lot about self-discovery. While I didn’t always like what I saw in myself, it really opened my eyes to what I do not like in others. And this has been a very harsh reality to face. People do not sit with their discomfort. They do not learn from their mistakes. They don’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes. They think other people owe them things, and they blame others for their faults – the list can go on. Generally, people focus on the outside world to bring them satisfaction rather than looking inward to satisfy themselves.

Philosopher Epictetus said, “Men are disturbed not by things, but by the views in which they take of things.” If these last few years have taught me anything, it is that controlling the view in which I take of things is far more difficult than one would anticipate. It’s not surprising to me that people avoid sitting with their discomfort, do not learn from their mistakes, don’t put themselves in someone else’s shoes, think others owe them things, and blame others for their faults. Trying to get through and overcome what life throws at you can be F’ing hard.

I used to think living in the Information Age was a great thing. On one hand, I still do. On the other hand, the information we are fed is constantly negative. We should be more, do more, look better, eat healthier, yada, yada. None of these things are bad things, per se; they are standards to strive for in many respects. But they’re not individual and personal goals, they are collective societal standards telling us we are not enough. When you are fed this sort of messaging daily, it takes a lot of inner work to control the view in which you take it.

To summarize life over the past few years, fatigue is the word that comes to mind. The world has been …. chaotic, and I feel like my brain has been working overtime while trying to make sense of what is happening around me. It’s a lot to receive a constant barrage of messaging, then subsequently decipher what is within my ability to control and alter my view to come to some form of contentment with things as. they. are.

Since the start of the pandemic, it has been one thing after another, many being these existential things that can fundamentally change our lives that have become extremely heavy burdens to carry. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve been walking around with some of them for three years. I’m tired.

We have to reflect on the load we carry individually and assess accordingly. My load my be heavier than some people’s and lighter than others, but everyone needs a break sometimes. At some point, we have to take a load off. You may not agree with which bag I choose to drop, but it’s also not up to you to judge or decide, not knowing the other bags I carry.