Loneliness – Part 2

It’s been 4 months since I wrote this post on loneliness, and 6 months since this pandemic dramatically altered our lives. I think most of us would agree, we did not expect it to be so impactful and last. this. long.

If you’ve been following along here for a while, you may have noticed that I love learning about how our emotions develop through chemical reactions in our brains. Here are a few things I’ve learned in my reading of Together by Dr. Vivek Murthy:

Our brain has two networks: one for social processing and one for non-social processing.
- When we are done performing a task (non-social processing), our brain immediately switches back to social thinking. So even when we’re just kicking back and relaxing, our brain is preparing for social interactions.
The prefrontal cortex is a selfish portion of our brain, active when we are “self-processing.” However, this part of the brain is also active when we turn our attention to others. Meaning: we define ourselves as we interact with others.

We are literally wired to socially connect. Relationships are as functional to our being as food and water. Just like when we go without those needs, there are physical and behavioral ramifications when we go without social connection:

When our ancestors were hunter-gatherers and one became isolated from their tribe, hypervigilance would set in. Hypervigilance is a state of increased alertness that puts a lot of stress on the body and is not sustainable for long periods of time. Over time, hypervigilance became embedded in our nervous systems to produce anxiety that we associate with loneliness. The stress on a body due to loneliness over long periods of time can lead to heart disease and other chronic illnesses.
Emotional and physical pain are processed by the brain in similar ways. “The sensory fibers that register emotional and physical pain overlap in the brain.”

What is even. more. fascinating is that quality of connection matters.

If you remember, there are 3 dimensions of loneliness based on the types of relationships we have:

Intimate – emotional connection
Relational – social connections
Collective – community connections

We need all 3 to positively affect our well-being. You can’t have more of one and expect it to balance out the others.

What concerns me about this pandemic is that really, none of us are getting the collective engagement that we need, and only some of us are getting the relational connections we need. If we are getting relational connections, it’s probably inadequate since so many activities that we would typically engage in with these friends have been extremely limited too. Most of us are only fulfilling our intimate connections. Some of us aren’t even getting that either. (Hi. 👋🏼 Yeah. I’m single. 🙄)

In order for us to develop strong connections with our caregivers, as babies, we perform perceptual narrowing. Perceptual narrowing is when babies start to favor faces of their family’s race and ethnicity. They do this to hone their focus on their caregivers’ subtle cues and nuances to build a strong a relationship, secure attachment, and to bond, love, and build trust.

The intricacies of our natural, chemical make-up and the profound human connections that result from them are unmatchable by even the most sophisticated artificial intelligence. Technology cannot replace face-to-face communication. Phone calls, text messages, and Zoom meetings are not fulfilling our need to connect.

Add in the mask mandate, and it gets worse, in my opinion. You’re not receiving all the subtle non-verbal cues in a face-to-face conversation when half your face is covered.

When we feel socially disconnected, we often feel unknown.
Dr. Vivek Murthy

While self-care is critical during this pandemic, it starts with self-awareness. Pay attention to your mind, body, and soul. Indulge when you need to indulge and make no apologies. Remember you are at the base of your leadership pyramid. A building can collapse from a weak foundation. We have to be strong for ourselves and for others.