by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Fine Lines.

I find it ironic that it’s sometimes the people who are against talking about feelings or self-reflecting that are the most emotional.  In business, it can be challenging for subordinates or colleagues to approach these people with constructive feedback.  It’s waiting until that person is in the right mood, reading the situation, treading lightly, and being deliberate with the words you say.  While this typically applies in any situation, some (people and situations) are more sensitive than others. 

When developing new relationships, personally or professionally, the same approach applies.  We walk fine lines.  It’s not until a level of trust builds that we can be more direct.  We often don’t really care so much about hurting a family member’s feelings.  We will “tell them like it is” because sometimes “the truth hurts” and “it has to be said.”

Everyone has a different communication style, and there are 4 specific ones that most people refer to (information is readily available with a Google search):

  1. Passive – Indifferent, yielding to others; fail to express feelings or needs, allowing others to express themselves, lack of eye contact.
    • “It doesn’t matter.”
  2. Aggressive – Emphasized by speaking in a loud and demanding voice, intense eye contact; issue demands and rudely ask questions; fails to listen to others.
    • “I’m right, and you’re wrong.”
  3. Passive-Aggressive – Passive on the surface but may fill powerless or stuck within, building up resentment; do not confront a person or issue; difficulty acknowledging their anger; may give silent treatment or talk about someone behind their back.
    • “That’s fine, but don’t be surprised if someone else isn’t okay with it.”
  4. Assertive – Open communication without being overbearing; can express own needs and desire while considering others; aim for a win/win situation.
    • “Agree to disagree.”

I think we all use these different communication styles depending on the situation, but we definitely have a preferred style.  Several years ago, I probably would have been a passive communicator and preferred to be communicated with in any style but aggressive.  Today, I’m much more of an assertive communicator and prefer to be communicated with in an assertive style.  I like expectations to be laid out upfront.  I want to understand the purpose of the conversation, and the intent of the person speaking.  

I was reading a book awhile back that talked about romance, specifically, how courtship has shifted.  Today, when we court someone, communication is usually via text and asking someone on a date is more “Wanna hang out?” Well, “Wanna hang out?” can mean any sorts of things to many different people.  It’s a very passive invitation.  

Courtship used to mean calling a landline, maybe even leaving a message 😱, and asking someone out on a date, specifically for the purpose of dating.  You walk a fine line when getting to know someone as it is.  You want to be forthcoming but not too forward.  You want to be inquisitive but not intrusive.  You want to be supportive but not clingy.  There are so many uncertainties during this phase of courtship.  We make it more complicated by passively putting ourselves out there verses assertively putting ourselves out there.  We’ve stopped actually putting our heart on that fine line we’re walking.

We are constantly walking a fine line, both in our personal and our professional lives.  Because either way, you are developing a relationship.  As I said, some people and some situations are more sensitive than others.  Whether a person is emotional or not, how we approach a situation and the words we choose can dramatically affect the message and the impact of a conversation.  It’s not just what we say, but how we say it.

The medium is the message.

Marshall McLuhan

Perhaps, this is why I’m so judgmental when a guy texts me before calling. A passive “We should hang out.” text message is far less impressive than an assertive in-person “Would you like to go on a date?” Expectation is clear, and intent is clear.

I feel like you have a better chance of not being rejected in-person, because you have all the non-verbal cues to know whether that person is interested or not. But I understand the vulnerability that comes with taking that chance in-person. It’s my head and my heart coming from two different places. But the only way to not set myself up for disappointment is to lay them both on the line.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Truth.

The truth can hurt.  That is fact.  But wouldn’t you rather know the truth than believe a lie or lie by omission?  I would.  Not knowing and feelings of uncertainty can linger for as long as something is being avoided.  I don’t want to live in discomfort indefinitely.  I would rather quick pain of the truth, so I can feel it, and move on from it.  Rip the Band-Aid off. 🩹 Quick and painful is better than slow and painful.  Yeah?

I do believe “the truth will set you free,” but I also believe some people “can’t handle the truth.”  This is true of myself too.  We cannot control our emotional reaction, but we can manage that emotion.  And some of us manage our emotions better than others.

I recently got news that I didn’t want to hear.  But it told me where I stood, and I appreciated that.  While I’m still hurting a bit from this truth, there are no hard feelings.  I’m not angry at this person for expressing his opinion.  In reflection, I agree with him, though it wasn’t a truth I was ready to face. 

I also had to give someone else some news he didn’t want to hear.  He was definitely disappointed. But instead of acknowledging that I have permission to feel what I feel and form opinions/make decisions accordingly, he got angry with me.  This was obviously a truth he wasn’t ready to face.

I think there are several factors that contributed to the different reactions in each situation: maturity, emotional intelligence, importance of relationship, and credibility, to name a few.  But at the end of the day, we have to do what is best for ourselves.  We must speak our truth.  How someone else handles it is on them.  

Although the news I received was news I didn’t to hear, how can I be angry with someone for speaking his truth?  I can’t. He has his own path to follow leading to an impeccable life.  And yeah, it hurt for a while, but the courage he had to speak his truth actually turned out better for me too.  And for the guy who didn’t like my truth and got angry with me? Well, it’s really no longer my problem. 😬 

We can take this truth concept back to ethos, pathos, and logos too. Truth in logic makes sense.  There is tangible evidence to substantiate opinion.  But truth in emotion eludes us.  We only have trust to substantiate opinion.  There’s nothing tangible for us to grasp. Which, I think is why we must have faith that it all works out in accordance to a greater plan. ✝️

by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Disappointment.

The underlying theme for disappointment is unmet expectations.  How true is that when you really think about it?  When I’m disappointed in myself, I am usually left questioning, “What did I do wrong?  How could I have done better?”  When I’m disappointed in someone else, I’m usually left wondering, “If he would only…” 🙄

It’s harder for me to be disappointed in other people than it is to be disappointed in myself.  At least when I haven’t met my own expectations, I can reflect to see if I laid my head and my heart on the line (logic and emotion).  If I didn’t, I know to do better and can take steps toward improvement.  

Other people, well…it seems a lot of other people are comfortable with complacency.

Did you ever learn about rhetoric appeals?

Rhetoric appeals are tools described by Aristotle used to persuade.  If you’re trying to convince someone of something, do you tug at their heart strings (emotions aka “pathos”) or do you need to present facts and data (logic aka “logos”)? And how do you establish your credibility (aka “ethos”) to make this person believe you?

Personally, I don’t think successful persuasive arguments focus on one or the other, I think it’s a combination of all three.  The argument should be fluid, laying in more heavily to one or the other depending on the reactions you receive.

I also believe that ethos, pathos, and logos can be applied to nearly anything in life, not just persuasive arguments. To help explain what I mean, I created a structure of appeals*:

Our ethics are our guiding principles. Like a company’s mission statement, these things rarely change. Even the most analytical person has a heart, and even the most emotional person appreciates facts. Utilizing all three drives results.

  • Ethos is my goal – It’s an expectation I’ve set for myself driven by personal beliefs.
  • Pathos is my intuition – It’s my passion, my energy, and my attitude.
  • Logos is my work – It’s the actions that go into reaching my goal.

If I don’t put my head and my heart into reaching my goal, I have a greater chance of being disappointed. When I lay both on the line, I know that I’ve done all that I can do.

I think most people focus on logic or emotion. (Or they’re complacent and don’t really give a shit about any of it. 🤷🏻‍♀️) We default to our strengths; that’s human nature. But if I want to be successful in any area of life, I’m gonna try my best not to half-ass it by focusing on one or the other.

I have a friend who is very driven by his morals and logic-focused. He says he wants to be the best he can be. But he neglects the importance of emotional intelligence and self-awareness. He dismisses emotions as touchy/feely nonsense; he equates emotions to weakness.

But if you remember Brené Brown’s earliest definition of courage…

To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.

We would never dismiss facts, so why do we so easily dismiss emotions as important? Emotions are non-verbal cues (facts) from our heart! If my friend truly wants to be the best he can be, he needs to change the narrative. Based on this definition, being vulnerable with our emotions is lit.er.a.lly. the. most. courageous thing we can do!

When you have to do something you don’t want to do, it sucks, right? You don’t give it your best effort. It becomes something you tolerate. You’re guided by ethos, using logos, and results are likely mediocre.

But when you do something you want to do, it’s a completely different ballgame. You give it your best effort. You’re enthusiastic about it. You’re guided by ethos, using logos and pathos, and results are likely stellar.

I hate being disappointed by others, so the last thing I want to do is disappointment someone else. This is why I like expectations to be laid out upfront: to minimize confusion or miscommunication. I can control how much head and heart I put into whatever I do, but I can’t control how much head and heart someone else puts into whatever they do. Laying out clear expectations at least sets that person up for success. What they choose to do with it then becomes up to them.

*I can’t take full credit for this, because I feel like it’s an adaptation of things that I’ve learned. But having learned those things over time, I can’t pinpoint the specific influence.

by : lacylit10 Life Lessons

Transformation.

Do you ever go through periods of life where you feel God working within you? What this looks like may be different for each of us, but for me, I feel uneasy, restless, and emotional, yet hopeful, motivated, and inspired. I recognize these feelings when they appear and know that I am going through a transformational change.

In most change models, we create a picture of what we think the solution should be, then work hard to make reality fit that picture. We try to dominate the situation. I have a friend who is super Type A, logical, and analytical. This would be his approach to change. You create a game plan, and you stick to the game plan.

Transformational change activates the power of vision and humility to face the mysteries of life. We control what we can control, and roll with the punches that we cannot. This is my approach to change. You cultivate discipline of good planning, and adapt to the situation as it is in each moment.

I always say that you need to find comfort in the uncomfortable, but that does not mean that it is comfortable. Susan David says that tough emotions are part of our contract for a meaningful life. Discomfort is movement and growth.

In talking about her sobriety journey, Glennon Doyle says she hasn’t felt fine in 17 years. I’m not an alcoholic, nor have I been, but I so related to this comment. I am a deep feeler. As someone who is constantly seeking personal and professional growth, I am always in a state of discomfort.

The societal expectation is that we don’t talk about our feelings. Feelings are for sissies. I actually find that notion hilarious, because it is the opposite that is true. Remember when I wrote about the definition of courage and talking about our feelings? It is much easier for me to write about my feelings, but to say them out loud? Oy vey. 🤦🏻‍♀️

It is hard to live in a constant state of discomfort. Sometimes, it is so. incredibly. difficult. But feelings are meant to be felt, that’s why we have them! They exist to prompt you into moving! It may seem easier to avoid our feelings, but avoiding our feelings is what drives a lot of people to alcoholism or drugs. They don’t want to feel. I’m sure most of us would agree that it’s probably better to feel what we feel than be driven to addiction. No? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I feel like the only thing that would be worse than feeling feelings would be not feeling them at all. Could you imagine? You have to have the good and the bad. It’s not a one or the other.

When I lost my dog, my heart didn’t just break; it shattered. 💔 It was in pieces, and I had physical reactions to the pain. It was a deeper hurt than I had experienced in a very, very long time. But even through my grief, I was accepting of the pain, the hurt, and the trauma. All those deeply negative emotions gave profound meaning to her existence and her purpose in my life.

Although I am in a constant state of improvement, transformational change is different. It comes from deep within. It’s like an accumulation of weeks, months or years worth of discomfort in growth coming to a head. Although it’s rough to navigate through, I know good things are on the horizon. And that is so. damn. exciting.

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by : lacylit10 Leadership, Life Lessons

Burn-Out.

Did you know that burn-out is classified as an “occupational phenomenon” in the International Classification of Diseases by the World Health Organization (WHO)?  It’s in a section describing factors that influence a person’s health without being an illness or injury.  

Burn-out refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life.

It’s a syndrome (associated symptoms of opinions, emotions, and behavior) essentially brought to fruition from the unsuccessful management of chronic workplace stress.  It is characterized by three dimensions:

  1. Feelings of energy depletion or exhaustion;
  2. Increased mental distance from one’s job or feelings of negativism or cynicism related to one’s job;
  3. Reduced professional efficacy

Now, I’ve been saying I feel burnt-out for quite a while now.  But even through all the crap, I’ve still been wondering, “Is it all just in my head? It’s not really all. that. bad, is it?” So in true Lacy fashion, I looked for a way to justify my feelings.  Since burn-out is diagnosable, there’s got to be a measurement tool to verify, right?

There are actually several different assessments you can take. Here is an example of one. I can’t find the one that I used, but here are my results:

  • Emotional strain = 30
  • Interpersonal strain = 31
  • Task strain = 30

Scores higher than 25 in each indicate a high degree of strain.  If you add each score, anything higher than 75 indicates that “you may be feeling intense strain or burnout.”  You guys. 😳 My total score is 91.  Yeah, you can say I’m feeling intense strain.

I have been having a hard time keeping it together. And now, it’s starting to show up in my attitude and behavior. And only now that it’s becoming visible does it seem anyone is taking notice. Remember when I said everyone has an innate desire to feel seen and heard? Yeah, true story. 🙄

My leadership and emotional capacity have been exhausted over the past several months. It pains me burn-out is even showing up in my attitude and behavior, because great leaders are supposed to have it all together. But at what point is it okay for me to not be okay?

Don’t freak out by that statement. I’m fine. My point is: why does it have to get this far? Burn-out doesn’t just happen over night; it happens over time.

As an employee, resources are not readily available for me to access. I have certain parameters I must work within. Open communication with my boss is critical, then it becomes a test of his leadership.

But I’m not putting this all on him. Aside from the uncontrollables that have contributed to the unsuccessful management of this chronic stress, the rest is my own fault. Either I poorly managed my time, I didn’t prioritize effectively, I wasn’t working efficiently, or I wasn’t assertive enough in expressing, “I’m drowning in work.” Perhaps it’s a combination of some or all of these things.

While I don’t consider myself a perfectionist, I do have a perfectionist mentality – another contributing factor. 😬 But on the bright side, some deadlines are coming to a close this week. And if that’s not enough of a silver lining, the season slows down in about 3 months. So, you know, that will be here before I know it. 🤣👩🏻‍🌾

by : lacylit10 Leadership

Empathy.

I have a colleague that made a big mistake.  Because of our roles and responsibilities within the company, I had to pick up the pieces of his fall-out.  And I. was. pissed. about it. 😤 His poor judgment caused me additional stress and hours more of work.  I made damn sure he knew all that I had to do to cover his ass.  If I had to swoop in and rescue him, he was going to learn a lesson out of it.

Now, he’s normally pretty up-to-snuff.  After the dust settled a bit, I asked him how he was doing.  Turns out, he took his mistake pretty hard.  He felt terrible about it, guilty, and embarrassed.  Additionally, he was going through a lot in his personal life.  As we had this conversation, I started to feel like an asshole for coming down on him so hard.  

Emotions dictate our connections with one another, so why do we feel we need to hide them?  

What people do at home feeds back on professional performance and vice versa.  We shouldn’t pretend that it doesn’t.

Paul Zak, Trust Factor

The Cleveland Clinic started a program called Code Lavender. 💜 When a physician or nurse is facing high-stress or burnout (due to a difficult patient or death), they wear a lavender bracelet.  The bracelet alerts their colleagues that they are emotionally fragile and to treat them with care.  This is similar to the emotion chart that I’ve seen on the internet that teachers do with their students.  Based on how the child is feeling, the teacher welcomes them into the classroom with a fist bump, a high-five, a hug – or whatever.  

Wouldn’t it be nice to know what people are feeling and base our interactions with them knowing this information prior to engagement?  

I want us to individually be successful, so we can collectively be successful.  Had I of known the burden my colleague was carrying that led to his error in judgement, I would have approached the situation more empathetically.  Had he of expressed the burden he was carrying prior; he could have leaned on me for additional support.  That is caring.  That is a relationship.  That is teamwork.

I 💯 believe in setting expectations upfront.  I like to be well-equipped with pertinent information, so that I can bring the most value possible.  If I ask you to take water samples for me, I’m going to provide you with all the information necessary to perform the task.  Why wouldn’t we supply someone with the emotional information necessary to build the relationship?  It doesn’t even matter if that relationship is personal or professional.  All professional relationships are personal to some extent.

Emotions are a valuable information flow that leaders ignore at their peril.

Paul Zak, Trust Factor

Oftentimes, mistakes get made when we are emotionally challenged.  We are distracted by what we feel that we lose focus on tasks at hand.  This is natural human behavior.  Even those who are able to separate logic from emotion are affected to some degree. Neither is for better or worse, depending on how you look at it.

Empathy is understanding how someone feels.  Compassion is relieving some of the burden.  And more often than not, relieving some of the burden is just providing an ear to listen.

Though we have work-related communication almost daily, I’ve since made a more conscious effort to talk to this colleague about life in general more regularly.  Having a better understanding of who he is outside of work helps builds a better relationship inside of work.