The Humbling Kind of Hard.

“Choose your hard.” A phrase, I think, coined by Mel Robbins. While the obstacles we run into are typically not our choice, how we respond to those obstacles is within our control. 

A while back, I mentioned that I felt I was breaking when I quit my job. Several months later, that is more true now than it was then. 

I am not someone who typically makes unplanned decisions or doesn’t have a back-up plan. But I followed my intuition in that decision, and I know it was ultimately for the better. When everyone told me I was not going to have any trouble finding another job, I also knew that wasn’t going to be true. But I was certain that God was going to be doing some serious work in my life.

Although I did not know what to expect, I can’t say I was prepared for this. That’s just how He works, isn’t it? 

On many levels, my basic needs are not being met. I feel weak. I feel insecure. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared. Uncertain. Somedays, I feel pathetic and desperate. I feel withdrawn and lonely. I feel closed and distant. I feel trapped. Like, none of these are good or positive things to feel. And the more time goes on, the harder it is becoming not to fall into a pessimistic view and spiral into a depression.

Every once in a while, I do feel glimmers of hope and strength. But this weekend I was reminded of something I said way back in 2020. This is a mood I need to seriously lean into.

So, yesterday, I literally spent the entire day feeling sorry for myself. I can’t tell you how many times I broke into tears. I did a little bit of work, but I spent most of the day curled up on the couch binge watching Vanderpump Rules. I leaned into the bad and negative emotions hard. And it felt good to be unapologetically miserable. I didn’t have to put on a smile or a brave face for anyone. I didn’t have to be confident in selling my business services. I didn’t have to pretend to be anything else or feel anything else. I let myself feel as weak, vulnerable, and insecure as I possibly could.

I had been becoming more emotional over the past few weeks, because, I realized, I had been bottling up my emotions for too long. I needed a big, heavy, ugly cry. I needed to get it all out of my system so that I could have renewed strength to continue carrying on. 

I do, however, want to recognize that this experience hasn’t been all bad. I have had a lot of meetings with a lot of people. People are putting me in touch with others and word is spreading about what I am doing. A lot of people are helping me. A lot of people want to work with me. I’m not really getting “no”. But this has been a long process of meeting with a lot of people and not getting the “yes” answers that will replenish my needs.

The most recent obstacles of my past have been challenges. Obstacles to overcome in the effort to achieve or advance is one type of hard. When the obstacles you face stem from loss of basic needs, it’s a humbling type of hard. A stern reminder that the obstacles we face are not a choice, but how we respond to them is a test of our faith, our values, our morals, and our character.

This. is. only. temporary. I can choose to give up on this dream, continuing to avoid the magic or I can choose the hard that leads to belonging. If the first step is the hardest, then there’s no turning back now.